All I Really Need To Know I Learned Off Your Chest
July 9, 2008 – 7:00 pmPosted by CTK
We The People are kinda, sorta stumbling the streets lookin’ like pop culture buffoons, without any shame, wearing things on our T-shirts or stuck to our backpacks and notebooks that would either bore the sweater off granny or give her a heart attack. We’re also plastering bumper stickers on cars that offend half the population by shoving our “ideals” in everyone’s face at every stop light…
How’s about these tasty T-shirt and Car Tats…
Let the Eye-Traffic begin:
“Meat is Murder”
->A.K.A. The Smiths rock & I’m a vegetarian, get off the road YOU animal killing bastards and drown yourselves!
“Why start a war and kill in order to keep the peace?”
->A.K.A. This is a rhetorical question but so what, whoopety-doo, YOU warmongers fuck off, my car is watching you!
“My face is up here”
->A.K.A. Stop looking at my chest, you despicable maggot! My tits are for that other complete stranger, not you!
“If this van’s a’ rockin’, don’t come a’ knockin”
->A.K.A. I’ve never had sex but I’ve seen it performed on the internets!
The latest addition to my wardrobe is a pair of panties that claim:
“If this ass is a’ pumpin’, it means I’m a’ humpin’”
->A.K.A. Do eleven words, five apostrophes and one comma make my butt look fat?
Probably, yes.
Clothing aside, it’s the Car Tats I love the most. Whoever created the concept of schooling our fellow citizens WHILE blowing exhaust fumes in their faces was a genius. So much (horn honking) to do about nothing!
Still, with such a wealth of barbs, quotes and pithy retorts to display, I’d expect a little more outreach and ambition from my fellow citizens (and myself). Why don’t we just go ahead and cover all of the outdoors with personal advertising! Don’t let Mother Nature get in the last word!
Oddly, however, while people cram their car bumpers and T-shirts and coffee mugs with all manner of verbiage, our homes go underutilized. Folks ONLY seem to use their yards or apartment windows to warn “Beware of Dog” or boast of their protective, don’t rob me, “Security System” or tout which political candidate they’re savvy enough to support.
Why in the heck is the home a (relatively) ad-free sanctuary when our clothes and cars function readily as makeshift billboards? With all THAT outdoor air time in play, inviting the world to invade our personal space to hear our poignant opinions, why take where we live out of the equation? Dude, c’mon, that’s prime real estate!
With that in mind, I’m anticipating a time when the fine line between privacy and publicity is finally erased, removed by the very people who tend to scream bloody murder about the government crawling up their arses, stripping them of their freedoms. People like you and me, perhaps…
So (fingers crossed) be on the lookout for a slew of new yard signs and window placards…
* I like it Anal 2008
* Proud Bulimic Since 2004
* Failed Marriage ‘07
* Finest Meth Lab on the Block
* Afraid of Commitment Since Adolescence
I know I’m excited about this new frontier, aren’t you?
5 Responses to “All I Really Need To Know I Learned Off Your Chest”
How bout the one about suicide:
Sorry to here about your failed suicide attempt, better luck next time.
You have the best stories!
MIkka
By mikka on Jul 9, 2008
I second that emotion and another good one Miss Tina and the top photo is so far gone, woah she’s nuts to wear that I like how the words blur to it’s like she’s drunk. If I wore that shit I’d be gbanged. Fuck I’m guilty by association lol I borrow everything my roommate owns and he lives in tshirts that say shit like “SLAVERY Boycott The Circus Circuses will stop abusing animals when we stop giving them money” lol good cause but it’s not changing anyone’s mind on the circus ***where is the circus? Closest thing around here is Cirque du Soleil LMFAO
By {{Lex on Jul 11, 2008
I’m wearing the BOYCOTT CIRCUS tshirt right now lol!
By {{Lex on Jul 11, 2008
I have a story to share here too: My car once was violated with a car tattoo by some weird stranger!
I remember, I had been on a festival that day. And when I returned to my car someone had put a sticker on the back of it. It was a huge sticker with a naked-butt & middlefinger showing Bart Simpson on it! Now, that’s kind of a cool car tattoo but still- it would have been nice to ask before putting it on, right? At the time I needed that car for “official stuff” - a naked butt, miniature balls and middlefinger showing Bart Simpson seemed a bit inappropriate… Unfortunately this sticker proofed irremovable and undistroyable(and thats weird, because before that day NO sticker had ever lasted on my car for more then a week!) This one survived almost 8 years - spotless with not the slightest sign of “aging”. I only got rid of it by crashing my car!
Amazing, isnt it?
By Nini on Jul 16, 2008
I am in love with you are here photograph! I wear a vintage Def Leppard tee and get all the ladies to love me %=} “* Finest Meth Lab on the Block” I live next door!
By Chico The Great on Aug 8, 2008