Meta Metamorphosis: No Thanks for the Mammaries
July 7, 2008 – 9:26 amPosted by Sir Jeffers
I awoke one morning with onion boobs.
It was kind of like that Kafka cockroach story, or did he turn into a beetle bug? Either way, it was similar to that Kafka novella but without me losing my Free Will, since they weren’t really attached to my body, I was just holding ‘em up.
The onion boobs, that is, not the cockroaches. Now that would have been even scarier, waking up gripping those squirming little insect bastards.
The onion boobs were still scary, though, inasmuch as terror ripped right down to the very core of my being. Well, maybe not the very core, but somewhere near there…like the first-tier suburbs of my being. Which is spooky enough when you stop to think about it.
Adding to the creep factor, the onion boobs were much rougher than their creamy-soft namesakes, despite the fact that their abrasive skin was constantly being sloughed off like the nasty scale-frocks casually discarded by snakes.
What would family, friends and even trusted local merchants think of the unspeakable horror that had befallen me, these bulbous roots of all evil that had nearly driven me to tears like their subterranean-dwelling cousins, so many of whom I had mercilessly sliced and diced in the past?
Was my fate some crazy, karmic payback? Greater minds than mine have pondered this riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a contradiction wrapped in a yellowish skin that peels back endlessly and invariably reveals nothing more than a slightly smaller onion.
It was an ordeal, the whole thing with the onion boobs. So you can imagine how I felt later:
Glad it was over. Whew!
8 Responses to “Meta Metamorphosis: No Thanks for the Mammaries”
These are probably the biggest onions I have seen in my entire life!
Good man, I dont know if you are aware of it but with onions like these, if gravitation sets in- the effect will be devastating! I better borrow you one of my bras - I reckon they’re a C-cup?
By Nic on Jul 7, 2008
Ya think you got problems? Had my testicles sliced off in a car accident coupla years ago. The surgeon sewed two onions on in their place. Now, I can only get sexually aroused if I see a cheese sandwich.
By mark on Jul 7, 2008
Goddamn what is in the water where you dogs are at? I want some! Jeffers you telling me you weren’t tempted to keep those mammaries? lol
By {{Lex on Jul 8, 2008
ooauhh you are so weird! I read *target dog* to! HaH! I to read *everything is sex* ! ooauhh sexy sexy HaH….you guys have the coolest blogs ever! I heart pics……I want boob onions! Thanks for being my friend on myspace so good music to OOAUHHHH:=)
By Jeana on Jul 8, 2008
This onion story made me tear up but with chuckles. Like the “first tier suburb of
my being” line.
By Eric Lindbom on Jul 8, 2008
I’d like to motorboat those cans right now! A couple of dabs of dipping sauce and I’d be good to go …
By Tom McJohnson on Jul 8, 2008
They could of grown as big red spanish onions .. now that may of not been so scary cos they would match your skin tone better, but these… i am not sure … they look a bit crusty n hairy around the nipples
By Teja on Jul 8, 2008
Jeffers - Onion boobs are a sad short story. But peanut-butter testicles? Oh, they’re at the heart of an epic tragedy.
Hey I miss you man - everything OK? Are we finding you in a happy place? The Beast of E has seduced you again, I see…
By kentandrade on Jul 18, 2008