The Dirty Book (Positively Adults Only)

June 12, 2008 – 8:17 pm

Posted by CTK

Doesn’t it totally suck when embarrassing items fall out of your bag?
You stand there looking all geeked-out, blushing, scrambling to conceal it
as quickly as possible.

Once upon a time in a land not so far from here, a little girl bought a book.
A magical book. Nah, Actually…one day I was hitting yard sales looking for cool
old cheesy paperbacks so I could rip the book covers off and use them as postcards.
At one sale I found a wealth of material published in the late ’60s, showcasing a wide
variety of graphic styles. I wasn’t aware that one of the books in the stack would lure
me into discourse with its Seller…

He asked, “Are you wild?”

Hmmm…I’m wild enough to be at a yard sale, I guess. I didn’t get what he was driving at. I grinned uncomfortably. Grinning like any teenage girl would when an old, fat-bellied, bald, bad-breathed pervert asks her a salacious question.

He said, “I’m wild!” while bopping his head up and down to reassert the veracity of his words.

I kept grinning and rushed out my cash to pay, eager to zip off and away, ASAP.

He said with lascivious grin,
“You’ll like that book a lot, I can tell…you’re going to like that book.”

Huh? I hadn’t a clue what that filthy wanker was talking about.
I paid a dollar for the whole stack and headed home.
A few days passed before I got around to liberating the book covers,
only then did I discover the one he thought I’d “like a lot.”

 

The others were standard pulp fiction, but this one, this one was different, it’s porn! Porn of the lowest common denominator.

Off Limits Babe–straight up, old-school smut. A dirty book written from the man’s eye view between his legs…Reminiscent of the CULTISH grab-ass penned by Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller when both were struggling artists in need of fast cash and received a Dollar Per Page.

I had to read it! I not only read it once, but found myself unable to strip off its book cover because every time I considered doing so, I instead wound up reading it again.

It’s been with me from house to house, apartment to apartment, city to city for at least 12 years now. I guess, as it turns out, I am wild, buck wild. Seems that the dirty old man wasn’t JUST a dirty old man, he was a clairvoyant dirty old man.

 

It comes in handy (no pun intended) when dating someone who enjoys the titillations of phone sex or ejaculate-style emails. If I’m not feeling up for the sexy chatter I can crack open Off Limits Babe to get me started….

“Oh you’re so big, I can feel your…”
and perhaps, “so deep against my…” right?
“I’m so hot for you and I’ve never felt this way before…” etc…

Tacky of me to use cheat sheets for my sensuality, I know I know, but hey,
we can’t always get it up.