What up with the creepy weird guy?
June 8, 2008 – 8:01 pmPosted by CTK
“What up with the creepy weird guy?”
Might very well be the eternal question that haunts us all.
I’m certain it dates back to the caveman days, that’s a given.
All right, so I was at the cafe again…Sometimes I wonder,
“When am I not at the cafe?”
But as soon as I leave the cafe I stop wondering that.
It’s always in the last place you look, right?
Okay, back to topic,
“What up with the creepy weird guy?”
I’m seated at the very end of the cafe, my back to the wall, facing out so no strangers can sneak up from behind and give me the spooks. I’m paranoid that way. I’m facing outwards but I’m balls deep in an article that I haven’t been able to stop reading even though it blows….
It’s in The New Yorker and if you ever read The New Yorker then you know
it’s a slow process because they must have a rule that the author finishes
writing the article AND THEN the editor randomly adds 6 extra pages so
the publisher can bum rush it full of ADS. I dunno. It’s long, that’s what I know. I get to a passage in the piece that describes a person of ill repute, lo and behold I hear,
“Can I use this chair?”
I raise my head…n’wow, I think, wow, I think wow…
“What up with the creepy weird guy?”
He’s creepy and weird. It’s in his stance, it’s in his face, it’s in his hair, it’s now IN MY CHAIR.
I told him he could “use the chair.”
“Sure it’s yours.” I said.
But I didn’t know he meant to sit in it, right in front of me! Come on, normally when people ask to use a chair, it is to “take” it somewhere else and use it there, some THERE elsewhere, right? Plus, he was staring directly at me because that was the only place to look unless he’d of sat in MY CHAIR, but I was in my chair, so that wouldn’t have worked out.
He didn’t have a book, a cell or even an iPod, he simply stared while gobbling down his scone.
I think it was a raspberry scone. Yeah, looked like raspberries.
He had a creepy, weird way of chewing. Kind of like a cow chewing its cud, except not really like that at all, more like as if he didn’t have teeth and he was GUMMING it instead of chewing because he left his teeth at home. He did have teeth though, so it was a creepy~weird way to eat when you actually have teeth and you’re not a cow.
It was too ridiculous for me. Sometimes I’m way up for absurdity. Often even. But this was not that kind of time. I was about to feign an urgent phone call and race for the exit, when instead, he stood up without warning and left. Just like that. POOF~! He didn’t even finish his scone. He left abandoned crumbs and menacing crusties behind on my table, right there by the chair he used. Remnants of a raspberry scone.
I busted out my trusty Black Crayola Crayon and drew his picture…
And you? Did you see a creepy weird guy today? I bet you did…
What did he look like? C’mon, you can tell me. Use my chair.
6 Responses to “What up with the creepy weird guy?”
hahaha, that is a creepy ass napkin man. you sound traumatized! your writting entertains me to no end miss
By leon on Jun 9, 2008
Hahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!! that is BRILLIANT!!! T, i cannot wait for a book from you, your writing is DELICIOUS, i was so right there with you, your writing so fantastic. i want more, more, more!!!!!
By Adineart on Jun 9, 2008
Oh wow. That guy sounds like his name is Norbert - or Knut - or Wiegand - or Hans-Heinrich or… well you get what I mean, right?
I probably would have left the building head over heals the minute he placed his weirdness right in front of me. I have zero tolerance for weirdness in men, I can halfway tolerate them in women but weird MEN creep me off pretty easily.
My last weirdo encountered me last Friday on my way home from work, yelling at me across the street something like “All being my fault … ” ?!
He probaby had two or three beers and what not too much but still… pretty creepy. I - of course, edged off as quickly as I could!
By Nic on Jun 11, 2008
Weird is sometimes entertaining…it made an entertaining post after all.
By Gordon Swaby on Jun 14, 2008
This shit is fucking funny. That weird douche looks like my ex!
By LLL on Jun 18, 2008
yoooooooo, that was me man, ha haaaaa, i just wanted ta fuck wid ya!! i thought that was you, so disguised myself as a krazy freak, yea i sometimes carry a wig an a krazy drop jaw thingy just incase i see someone who looks familiar that i can mess wid they head, an vollah!! look at this awesome description of what…. ah shit man, lol, yo T that is a funny ass story, makes me wanna make an entertaining story outta some of tha krazy senerios i’ve encountered, ppl are werid man, i need ta write a novel about how ta defeat killer fat mama duces, that lay baby duces an destroy toilets, i could be that hero, yesss, i see now, what my true purpose is, what i am doin here, i am supposed ta be tha one ta call on when tha pipes have clogged, an a steamy funk fills tha air, you’ve plunged but it’s just not enough, tha duce juice jumps up an smacks you across tha cheek, tha stench of defeat looms in tha thickly coated atmosphere of nose hair senging, mouth water gagging, henderence of hell that exhausted from tha pipes of a human that has had lots of wine an cheese, that has been constpated for days, as that foul contamination stewed and marinated, i iwll be tha one that they call upon…. as i exit tha stage that tha battle was fought, a gooey brown film coating me from head ta toe, as a scream of defeat echos across tha empty bathroom, an vibrates thru tha empty flowing pipes, with a sigh of relief, an a roar of victory across tha household, chanting “tha ONE” over an over, i’ll just hand tha homeowner a jug of wine an laugh, and kno what i’m here, what my purpose is, tha only verdict is vengence, a vendetta, held as a votive, and not in vain, which will one day vendicate tha viglagent an tha vertuose….
ha haaa, but yoo T, very funny story, nicely put, well done;)
-bou
By BOuDAH on Jun 28, 2008