Looks like we need more blogs…
February 27, 2009 – 3:39 pmNeed more stuff, junk and things over here.
Hmm. Perhaps so, perhaps so.
Coming soon to an RSS near you…
The Borgnine Wars: Irresistible Bitches
January 3, 2009 – 10:34 pmSeeing Prince blabbing recently about releasing three new CDs for the coming year and suddenly out of nowhere saying homosexuality is immoral got us to thinking how would the “controversial” Artist Formerly Known As An Unintelligible Hieroglyph stack up against legendary star Ernest Borgnine? –>[see graphic below]
ALL YOUR BORGNINE ARE BELONG TO US!!
CHECK IT OUT->>>*Borgnine Masturbates A LOT*
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In A Search Of A New Fire Hydrant
December 31, 2008 – 6:56 pm2009 is impending, nearly ready to drop.
1 Headed Dog searches for a new blog direction…
An in-depth interview with Sir Jeffers by CTK
[A true story]
Setting: I was in my home office while Jeff was outside near my window.
Lord knows what he was doing out there. I shouted my questions and
he answered them, shouting back.
CTK: Hey Jeffers our band blog has gotten super stale. What should we do?
Jeffers: I don’t know I guess we gotta put up something, huh…
CTK: What should we put up?
Jeffers: I don’t know.
CTK: Oh come on, rattle off a few ideas.
Jeffers: Yeah right.
CTK: I’m serious!
Jeffers: I don’t have any ideas. If I get one I’ll write it down. Maybe
we could post the dandruff scratch out.
CTK: We already posted that for a Christmas bulletin on MySpace.
Jeffers: We didn’t put it on our blog though, that’s what I’m saying.
CTK: Yeah but that’s hardly an idea, Jeff.
Jeffers: Yeah whatever Tina, just shut up, if I have an idea I’ll tell ya.
Footie Fella and Booger Boy
October 26, 2008 – 8:41 pmPosted by CTK
I tell ya folks, it ain’t easy being rock stars…
Jeffers and I checked out a new restaurant today.
The waiter brought us two glasses of water, both had small crumbs and other debris floating on top. We called him back to the table and asked if he could please get us fresh glasses.
That’s when we realized he looked like a dirty foot.
The waiter looked exactly like a huge dirty foot in a white shirt!
The damn foot-faced waiter walked off in a huff as if we were the ones
filthing-up the water.
We glanced towards the kitchen just in time to spot the cook flipping a burger.
He was a tiny man surrounded by burger.
The small man set aside the spatula and began picking his great big nose.
He was a tiny man fascinated by booger.
That’s when we decided to leave.
And you? What’s yer deal?
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Dancing With Myself
October 10, 2008 – 1:24 pmPosted by CTK
I leave my cell phone OFF a lot. Um, I mean big time a lot.
So when I turn it on, if there are all these yummy texts and voice mails, it feels like Christmas or something. Woo! Gifts of Contact! Fun! Fun! 
Okay but yesterday a friend I haven’t spoken to in months bum rushes my
machine, she’s laughing up a storm about,
“OMG, Tina, I was just thinking of you! Remember that night you were dancing to Falco, dancing throughout the whole song, all by yourself? Ha ha ha, so embarrassing! Give me a call!”
Give her a call? What the hell for?
More dissing? Great way to reconnect with pals, eh?
Um, first off, I do remember that night, but
in my memory it was not at all, not one iota, an embarrassing moment.
I don’t recall what the hell the others were doin’ but I know damn well that I was getting my groove on!
Some folks just can’t handle “the cool”.
Playa’Haters.
Either way I stood there yesterday, gripping my phone, body going limp, suddenly red in the face, blushing like mad.
I was thinking, “Oh wow, I’m a total loser!”
Maybe that’s why I haven’t spoken to her in months.
Nah,
fuck ‘em if they can’t hang with the Falco.
I’ll rock my Amadeus whenever
and wherever the hell I please.
I’m rockin’ it right now! ~STRUT
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Food McEat-It-All: He Eats All the VIEWS
October 3, 2008 – 10:47 amPosted by: CTK & Sir Jeffers
Some of you already know the story: One day Jeffers saw a large, hungry man, chowing down ferociously at a restaurant buffet and instantly dubbed him Food McEat-It-All.
(The original blog is here.)
The man was eating up everything the place had to offer. Jeff drew his picture! Of course.
Afterward we decided to immortalize him in song, but it didn’t seem right unless there was a video too! Of course.
Well, we posted the music video on YouTube four months ago and the next thing we know, over one hundred thousand people have watched it and subsequently had their lives changed forever. Of course.
If you’d like to hit YouTube and comment on the genius that is Food McEat-It-All:
-->CLICK Here
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The Borgnine Wars: Eat Me
September 27, 2008 – 9:45 pmPosted by: CTK and Sir Jeffers
Ernest Borgnine vs. Anorexia
Seeing a story in a recent In Touch Weekly about the top 10 hotties
who overcame eating disorders got us to thinking, how would anorexia stack up
against legendary star Ernest Borgnine?
BORGNINE WINS! BORGNINE WINS! BORGNINE WINS!
ALL YOUR BORGNINE ARE BELONG TO US!!
CHECK IT OUT->>>*Borgnine Masturbates A LOT*
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How To Do Some Sh!t Without Looking Like Sh!t
September 25, 2008 – 9:03 pmPosted by CTK
I may look slightly jacked-up in this photo, but believe me, I could look much worse…
I returned a couple of days ago from yet another of my lengthy vacations in a random city where I pillage and plunder like a lunatic with my head cut off. Head cut off? Meaning I tend to toss off all rational thought and party hard, with numerous randoms, like a fucking fool. Apparently I do this in a seemingly charming state of incoherence. At least that is what I am told afterwards…regarding the “charm.”
On this trip I discovered that after a night into morning of getting absolutely shit-faced,
the best remedy is:
–> 3 aspirin,
–> 16 ounces of water,
–> a face wash
–> and then lather a ton of AQUAPHOR under the eyes.
Do that and you’ll wake up looking like NOTHING happened. No evidence
whatsoever of being a total drunkard, a complete blowhard and/or a bitch in heat.
Unless there is some DNA left in a little baggy by the bedside.
I am so happy about my discovery (and rapid recovery).
If you wind up trying this technique, do tell me if it worked for you too.
In the meantime CLICK PLAY to check out our new tune:
Super Happy FunTimes
Borgnine Wars: The xxX Files
September 3, 2008 – 11:49 pmPosted by: CTK and Sir Jeffers
Ernest Borgnine vs. David Duchovny
Now that David Duchovny has checked himself into sex-addiction rehab, it got us to thinking, how would the young actor stack up against legendary star Ernest Borgnine?
BORGNINE WINS! BORGNINE WINS! BORGNINE WINS!
ALL YOUR BORGNINE ARE BELONG TO US!!
CHECK IT OUT->>>*Borgnine Masturbates A LOT*
New Olympic Event: Outswim the Sperm!
August 8, 2008 – 8:36 amPosted by CTK & Sir Jeffers
Just in time for the Beijing Olympics, here’s your chance to go for the Gold!
Just HIT CLICK as fast as you can to keep paddling ahead of those pesky little spermatazoa.
Get ready for hours of fun, as long as you can…
Outswim the Sperm!
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A Sugar Daddy and His Harem of Hotties
July 28, 2008 – 11:35 amPosted by Sir Jeffers
My neighborhood received some unwanted buzz recently when a swarm of bees started getting busy in my yard. What was my first clue? Well, several hundred of these yellow-and-black winged warriors suddenly dive-bombed me. I’m perceptive like that. Read the rest of this entry »
All I Really Need To Know I Learned Off Your Chest
July 9, 2008 – 7:00 pmPosted by CTK
We The People are kinda, sorta stumbling the streets lookin’ like pop culture buffoons, without any shame, wearing things on our T-shirts or stuck to our backpacks and notebooks that would either bore the sweater off granny or give her a heart attack. We’re also plastering bumper stickers on cars that offend half the population by shoving our “ideals” in everyone’s face at every stop light… Read the rest of this entry »
Meta Metamorphosis: No Thanks for the Mammaries
July 7, 2008 – 9:26 amPosted by Sir Jeffers
I awoke one morning with onion boobs. Read the rest of this entry »
Sex isn’t Everything, but Everything is Sex
July 3, 2008 – 1:45 pmPosted By CTK
A male friend of mine, half-joking and half-serious, said to me,
“Everything with you is about sex.”
Oh really? Is it just with ME?
Okay, when you wake up, what’s the first thing you notice?
Your morning wood, that’s what. The usual stiffness begging for a massage, again. Read the rest of this entry »
What’s At Steak? There Will Be Blood
July 1, 2008 – 7:07 pmPosted by Sir Jeffers
Look at me, I’m cooking up a huge slab of beef!
Nothing seems more cliché-manly than charring massive chunks of cow carcass… Read the rest of this entry »
Taking The Piss
June 29, 2008 – 12:44 pmPosted by CTK
I saw another mattress propped against a fence today…
I’ll get to the significance of that soon, but first take the survey below:
1.) Are you a fucking bitch?
2.) Do you have a maturity deficit?
3.) Are you a stupid asshole?
4.) Do you have an addiction to irrationality?
5.) Are you a manipulative c*nt?
If you answered YES to ANY of the above, then PLEASE, I BEG YOU, do NOT have children! Please do not procreate! Don’t adopt EITHER! Live your life sealed in a condom! Please.
Okay, with our prescreening out of the way, let me tell you about the pee mattress… Read the rest of this entry »
Angelina Jolie… still HOT?
June 16, 2008 – 12:53 pmPosted by CTK
As Angelina descends the MAXIM 100 Hottest Women list, falling down to give standing room to the new, um…uh, the new “talent,” well… The Vanity Vultures swirl above her pretty little head anticipating a beautiful demise so they can swoop in for the feast. Some have started early! Read the rest of this entry »
The Dirty Book (Positively Adults Only)
June 12, 2008 – 8:17 pmPosted by CTK
Doesn’t it totally suck when embarrassing items fall out of your bag?
You stand there looking all geeked-out, blushing, scrambling to conceal it
as quickly as possible.
Once upon a time in a land not so far from here, a little girl bought a book.
A magical book. Nah, Actually…one day I was hitting yard sales looking for cool
old cheesy paperbacks so I could rip the book covers off and use them as postcards.
At one sale I found a wealth of material published in the late ’60s, showcasing a wide
variety of graphic styles. I wasn’t aware that one of the books in the stack would lure
me into discourse with its Seller…
He asked, “Are you wild?” Read the rest of this entry »
What up with the creepy weird guy?
June 8, 2008 – 8:01 pmPosted by CTK
“What up with the creepy weird guy?”
Might very well be the eternal question that haunts us all.
I’m certain it dates back to the caveman days, that’s a given.
All right, so I was at the cafe again…Sometimes I wonder,
“When am I not at the cafe?”
But as soon as I leave the cafe I stop wondering that.
It’s always in the last place you look, right?
Okay, back to topic,
“What up with the creepy weird guy?”
I’m seated at the very end of the cafe, my back to the wall, facing out so no strangers can sneak up from behind and give me the spooks. I’m paranoid that way. I’m facing outwards but I’m balls deep in an article that I haven’t been able to stop reading even though it blows…. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Things that bug me truly, madly, deeply-ish
June 5, 2008 – 4:17 pmPosted by CTK
Looking down on my fellow citizens and laughing is not my daily routine, however,
everyone does it at some point and now it’s my turn!
Me’Thinks some weirdos need to practice a little thing called Social Downsizing!
Some may say that it’s none of my business what OTHER people do. I’d like them to say THAT to my face!
Um, but seriously, of course it’s not “my business”. It’s not like I got a desk and a placard on top of it that reads: Read the rest of this entry »